Why I’ll Never be a Best Friend (and That’s OK)

why I am not a best friend

Do you have a best friend? I don’t. I never have and never will, and do you know what? I’m fully OK with it.

Let’s start this post with a disclaimer. I’m not writing this to make people feel sorry for me. I’m writing it to make sure that the many people who are like me, feel less alone.

Why am I not a best friend?

Simple answer: because I’m not.

I don’t have to be anyone’s best friend, and nobody needs to be mine. Did you know that? You don’t have be anyone’s best friend, and you don’t need one.

Chronic illness

I live with multiple chronic illnesses. I’ll more than likely need at least one of my medications for life. I get tired easily and live my life by pacing. If you have not heard about the spoon theory, I suggest you read up on it. It’s how I live my life. If I don’t have the physical or mental energy to do something, I can’t do it and I stay at home. This means after work drinks, birthday drinks, going out for lunch, blog events… the list goes on. People think that I’m antisocial and that I make up excuses – if that’s the case, I don’t care about their opinions. Because of experiencing this a lot I trust people less, I shelter myself and don’t let people in. This then leads to people blocking me out, or they do that in the first place anyway.

these birds may peck

I’m too nice, and people don’t like that

You know that some people can’t deal with those who try to speak to and understand everyone? I feel like there’s a lot of people who are actually like that. People can be super cliquey and if someone doesn’t like someone else in a friendship group, that person is pretty doomed. I’ve experienced this for years, multiple times, in multiple situations. It is actually going on now, and I’m trying to figure out who it is who doesn’t like me so that I can figure out why. Knowing why won’t make me change who I am, but it at least helps me to understand the situation a little more.

What I grew up with

I grew up with mixed messaging from family members and school friends. Before I went to grammar school, I frequently moved schools because of a family situation. When I went to grammar school I had the whole teenage girl clique issue to deal with on top of poor mental health when my Mum was going through her first lot of cancer treatment, and built up fatigue from my undiagnosed illnesses. I frequently slept in the sick room at school, but wasn’t diagnosed with my conditions until my early 20s… that’s a lot of time where noone understood what was going on and why I was behaving in the way I was.

I was also told that if people didn’t like me, and I cared about having friends, that I should change who I was. Yep. No further words on that one…

What about my partner?

I’m not my partner’s best friend, and they aren’t mine. Why? Because our partnership is more than just a friendship. It’s deeper than that, and we both feel the same about that!

 

How about you? Do you struggle to have friends like I do? Do you not have a best friend either? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!

 

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why i am not a best friend

9 Comments

  1. Heather February 11, 2017 / 4:11 pm

    My daughter and I both have chronic severe illness, and yes we know all about spoon theory. I have someone very close to me level the charge at me that I use my illness as an excuse – I don’t – it hurts. Great post.

    • teacakeandmake February 11, 2017 / 4:32 pm

      Hi Heather, great to hear from you! It’s not nice when people use our illnesses against us, I totally feel you on that one! It’s not fun, and it’s worth debating whether it’s worth staying in touch with that person – a tough decision to make, I know. Let me know how things go.

  2. Aine February 12, 2017 / 9:42 am

    YES! Sorry bit excited about this one. I always thought I was just a bit selfish. I’ve only endometrosis and a few other oddities, but I always felt guilt over not wanting to do things all the time or meet up with people – I just find it exhausting. I do try and make an effort, otherwise I’d rarely leave the flat, but I sometimes just can’t. I’m always glad when I do, but I’m knackered for a few days after – last week I met all the people and had all the tea and I’m only now feeling good again. Plus I’m lookig forward to not leaving the flat next week! I love hanging out with people but I also love the peace and quiet – so mine isn’t always illness. My long term “best friends” are people I chat to a few times a month or every few months. They’ve known me since I was young and are more than happy to just have a cup of tea and talk for a few hours about nonsense without ever going out. Very well written, love this very much.

  3. Kezzie February 12, 2017 / 6:12 pm

    I don’t have a best friend now. I did when i was a child, but since being an adult, I’ve found it harder to make friends, particularly now I am married and we live far from most of my friends or colleagues. I’m really actually not that good in large groups, I prefer to talk one on one to one person as I struggle to hear and I also want to include everyone in a conversation and find it harder in large groups and I ALWAYS shy away from anything that looks like it is becoming a clique. We once went on an orchestra trip away and I was awarded the Miss Ecumenical award because of trying to talk to everyone and not stick to one clique.

  4. Nital February 13, 2017 / 6:42 pm

    This is a great post! I have some really close friends but not a best friend. In the past I have always envied people who had best friends. I would see lots of best friends always doing things together and doing so much for each other. Overtime I tried with my friends to get a best friend it was always one sided andI was always the one doing more giving in term of time, effort, everything. For so many year I thought, “What’s wrong with me?” “Why does nobody want to be my best friend?” but some things just aren’t meant to be. I also realised that I made an effort with all the wrong people over the years and that I was such a giving person so and I spend that time and effort doing voluntary work instead. As I have got older I’m ok about it, I have a few wonderful groups of friends and some really close friends and it’s ok. Deep down I do still wish I did had a best friend but it doesn’t actually bother me anymore and I haven’t thought about it in a long time.

  5. Madara February 14, 2017 / 1:24 pm

    Very happy you shared your experience, because I really appreciate when people write about not so popular topics and controversial opinions. 🙂 I don’t relate 100% to your situation, but I don’t have tons of best friends either. However I would really like to meet more like-minded people. 🙂
    Anyways, loved your post and learned what is spoon theory. 🙂
    Have a lovely day!
    Madara
    Lookforsmile.com

  6. Theo February 22, 2017 / 12:47 pm

    I don’t have a lot of friends. At least not my own friends. I have people who consider me a friend who are either friends of my girlfriend or friends of my sister. But i don’t really have a lot of friends that I’ve made on my own. They never really stick around. I’d say right now i have maybe 4 friends that I’ve made myself since i graduated high school. and 1 of them 1 of 2 of the only best guy friends I’ve ever had. ( I don’t like hanging around guys much, even as a male, males irritate the hell out of me). But I’m so glad you were strong enough to share this! I know it probably took a lot.

  7. Grace April 11, 2017 / 3:29 pm

    Thank you for posting this and I really enjoyed reading it. I can relate as I’m quite an introvert so it’s hard to get close to people and become best friends unless they are the ones who initiate and try to get close to me. I used to have a best friend way back in the day when I was young but we parted ways. It used to hurt me after to see how so many people had best friends and just seemed to have someone around them all the time. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve accepted that I’m okay with not having that and I’ve learnt to be my own best friend.

  8. Lady Zen April 22, 2017 / 9:18 am

    Such a great post. I’m a spoonie myself and I’m going through the same struggles. People can be truly heartless and “well” people just don’t get it. Us spoonies need to stick together! X

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